Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sexually Attracted to Traditional Marriage

This is too funny.  We loved this letter posted on Playful Walrus.

Defending Your Support of Prop 8

Are you being criticized for your support of Prop 8?  Maybe friends, family, bosses, customers, coworkers, social networking contacts, bloggers, and commenters have lashed out at you or pressured you?  Maybe you have received angry calls from strangers that you perceived as threatening bodily harm to you, but in retrospect, you realize that the person calling you willingly subjects himself to the described treatment for jollies?

Well, I think I have a solution.

Feel free to copy and paste this defense I am providing below.  You don’t even have to give me credit.  Just be sure to modify it so your critic's name appears in the salutation.  Modify as necessary to be relevant to your circumstances.

Dear [insert name of your critic here],

I know you are upset with me.  Perhaps I can get you to understand why I supported Prop 8.

You see, from an early age, I have felt something deep inside me.  I knew I was different from a lot of other kids around me.  I thought maybe I was the only one who had these feelings.  I felt shame and self-loathing.

But as I got older, I found out that I wasn’t the only one.

You see, I am sexually attracted to supporting marriage amendments.

Now, I thought maybe I just needed the right experience with judicial tyranny.  That if I had a good experience with judicial tyranny, I could live happily ever after with letting judges tell me what to do, changing the meaning of words, invalidating my vote, and making me give things to other people even though I don’t want to.

But I couldn't deny the truth.  I tried.  I tried to conform to what those judges wanted.  I tried to listen to my Hollywood idols, my lesbian pastor, my college professor, my hippie parents- who all said that Prop 8 was wrong and would rot my brain.  Still, I found myself keeping the official voter pamphlet under my mattress, and sneaking peaks at the text of Prop 8.  It was so short, so simple, but it was enough to turn me on.  I couldn't sneak around anymore.  I couldn’t live a lie.

Bells went off when I donated money or time or my words or expertise to supporting the passage of a marriage amendment.  In pulling that lever to support Proposition 8, I felt true love.  I felt so happy and free.  I was so alive!

I had come to grips with my sexual orientation.  I am attracted to supporting marriage amendments.

I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.  I didn’t choose to feel this way.  It is how I've always felt.  And since it is my sexual orientation, you have to respect that and allow me to do whatever I need to do to find fulfillment of my desires.  You may find it repulsive or disgusting, or dysfunctional or irrational or just plain wrong.  But please don't judge me or hate me for being who I am.  Perhaps you can get over your Eightophobia by attending meetings of Parents and Friends of Marriage Amendment Supporters?  That would mean so much to me.  If you'd like, I can send over a new book for your kids to read that will help them deal with this: My Uncle Likes Supporting Traditional Marriage.. a Lot.  It is a pop-up book.

Thank you for your understanding and acceptance.  I know that, since this is my sexual orientation, you have to support me in how I feel and can’t criticize me for doing anything that I say is a result of my sexual orientation, nor deny me anything that I say I need because of my sexual orientation.  After all, it is all about love and happiness.

That is why I supported Prop 8.  I had to be true to myself.

Thanks again!